This morning I got a call from a family member that I’d been dreading. Her cancer had spread, it wasn’t contained, and the tumor was bigger than expected. All I could reply was, “I’m sorry and I’m praying for you.”
I sat and listened as she told me the next steps. There’s no guarantee she’s eligible for the next line of treatment––chemotherapy. And even if she is, for those of you who have been there know, it’s not an easy process.
I processed her words with my nursing knowledge and knowing we were yet again in a waiting season. To be honest with you, life is hard right now. How often do we admit this to others? My usual response of “I’m good” is simply not true.
After the call ended, I called my husband at work and fired questions at him: “Do I fly over to see her? Do I wait?” In our conversation, all these questions were complicated by the fact we’re facing a similar situation on his side of the family. We’ve already made two international trips this year, and finances must be considered. It feels crazy to talk about budget when you face losing someone you love. Yet, nothing about the process of sickness is easy and I’m sure I’m not the only one looking at my bank account thinking how many trips can I take to see family in this season?
As my train of thoughts spiraled down this rabbit hole, my breathing quickened and my heart hurt against my chest as I reached for a packet of cookies. But the answer was not in the cookies, even if the sugar provides comfort for a little while.
I texted those closest to me:
The cancer has spread into the lymphatic system. Now waiting for a referral to see an oncologist who will decide whether she’s eligible for treatment.
The words, while factual, lack the emotion of a lifetime of relationship with this person. And this is where you find me now, sitting in the quiet of my office, brushing crumbs off my sweater, and wondering how on earth I’m going to face this season.
I know I’m not alone. I know she is not alone. I know that my prayers for her have already been heard.
God promised us: “Even before they call, I will answer.” Isaiah 65:24 CSB
So, this morning, before I even took the phone call, God promised me he will answer. Now that answer may be exactly as I’ve pleaded for: complete healing. But it also may not. Sometimes healing comes through extra time with that person, and at other times healing comes through meeting with God at the end of our days here on earth.
But as for me, The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. Psalm 28: 7 NIV
Today, my heart is struggling with the second part of this verse: My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him. Psalm 28:7 NIV
My heart is definitely not leaping for joy, but with my song I will praise him, even though my heart is breaking. And I think it’s ok that I’m not leaping for joy because God meets us where we are at. It’s ok to cry, to process, and to struggle with our emotions. I love the psalms for this very reason. In them, we see David pour out his joy, his sorrow, and his struggles. And never does God say, “Just deal with it.” Instead, He says, “I’m with you.”
Every time I write a Not So Secret Love Letter, I finish with the words: I see you, my beloved; I love you. And I am with you always. Love, God
Those words come from Matthew 28:20 CSB: And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age.
I love that Matthew concludes the gospel with this truth. It’s the crux of the gospel, Jesus is with me, no matter what. And he’s with you, too.
If, like me, you find yourself in a hard season, I want you to know that you are not alone. Jesus is walking with you. If, like me, you’re also struggling with the heartache of it all, get your friends to pray for you. And, if, like me, you don’t know what tomorrow will bring, choose to remember that the Lord is your strength and shield and that he helps you. He’s with you always, to the end of the age!
A love letter from God …
Dear lovely one,
I’m holding you tightly and will never let you go. I will guide you through this day, this week, and this season. I will comfort you when the days and nights are hard. I will delight with you as you recall happy times. And, when I feel far away, I promise you I’m not.
Remember I have watched my own son suffer. I understand your pain better than anyone else in this world. Because of Jesus, I’m right by your side. My word is faithful, true, and unchanging. So when I say I am your strength … I AM your strength. When I say I am your shield … I AM your protection. And when I say I help you … I help you.
I see you, my beloved; I love you. And I am with you always.
Love, God