Comparison … it’s great until it isn’t. In my early days of parenting, I found comfort with other new parents as I talked about how to get our precious gift to sleep through the night. We talked post-partum poop, sore nipples, and physical healing. We commiserated together over the terrible twos and threenagers, and celebrated when strollers no longer accompanied us on day trips.
But as our kids got older, the comparisons became more difficult to hear … “my child is reading at a fourth-grade level,” “my child is in a gifted program,” or “they were selected for state championships!”
Yet my heart and mind was still eager to know how other kids were doing as it provided a measuring stick. The magic measurement was reassurance. Reassurance that my kids were doing ok, that they were at society’s goal, or that at least I wasn’t having to deal with whatever Mrs. Jones was going through.
Then there were other comparisons we didn’t utter when we gathered for a cup of coffee or a bible study. “My child has a mental health issue” … “I’ve discovered drugs in my child’s room” … “I noticed porn use on my kid’s phone” … “I’m not sure my kid is going to graduate high school, let alone go to college.” Shame and worry kept our thoughts locked in and we sought advice from google desperate to know how to handle what life had thrown at us.
The list of what we didn’t talk about with other parents was endless.
The list of what we’ve googled was endless.
The list of what I’ve cried out to God about was endless.
Too many times I’ve sat alone and complained to God “If only my daughter could X, Y, or Z!”
When we rely on it to make decisions, comparison cripples us. It is destructive, harmful, and removes your power to parent well because we do not deal with the child as the individual God made them to be.
I love what The Message interpretation has to say about comparison and I can almost hear the apostle Paul speaking at a parenting conference:
Make a careful exploration of who you are [as the parent] and the work you have been given [with your child], and then sink yourself into that. Don’t be impressed with yourself. Don’t compare [your parenting] with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best [parenting] you can with your own life. Galatians 6:4-5
This application of Paul’s word not only applies to parenting, but it relates to every aspect of our life. We’ve not only been gifted the title of parent. But we are ‘a child of God,’ ‘an employee,’ ‘an employer,’ ‘friend,’ ‘wife,’ ‘lover,’ etc. The list is endless. And comparison can infiltrate every part of our lives if we’re not careful.
So how do we guard against comparison?
As a former nurse, everything we did for our patients fell under the term evidence-based practice. This means that, as a caregiver, you weigh the research for the care you give to a patient. Now for most things there will be an action/treatment that works well and you implement that. But for some patients, the norm may not be the best for them. So you seek an alternative instead.
It’s exactly the same with parenting. Yes, we can talk to other parents and see what worked for them [Who will walk through the Red Sea with you?], read books and articles or speak with doctors, psychologists, teachers, etc. But we must weigh what they say and ultimately do what we think is right. This is not comparison, this is taking the responsibility for doing the creative best with your own life.
It can be scary at times, particularly when others have their own thoughts and opinions. But don’t be afraid.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your [parenting] paths straight. Proverbs 3: 5-6
A love letter from God …
Dear lovely one,
Remember this; I made you in my image. I made your child in my image.
I know at times it’s tempting to compare what’s going on in your life to others.
Don’t.
You will never fully know the walk another person is having to go through. I promise you I will help you in every situation you face. Ask and I will give you wisdom. Seek me and I will hold your hand as you walk the journey of parenting.
I love your child so much that I gave them you to help guide them on their journey.
Don’t compare them to others, not even to their siblings. They are unique and I love them dearly. I delight in seeing them grow. I know parenting is hard at times. But you’ve got this because I’m by your side always.
I see you, my beloved; I love you.
And I am with you always,
Love, God